[She frowns. Yikes. There's no way to believe him of course, but...]
...You don't need to apologize for wanting to stay alive. It doesn't make you a coward either. It's more human than anything.
I'd rather not die either. Not that...there's much I can do to prevent that, hah.
[The futility is...sad.]
Everything feels really empty. I've been doing this for months. I feel like I'm going insane, I don't know how much longer I can...[Her voice gets lower and lower until it drops off and she covers her face with her hands]
[Max tenses up momentarily when he touches her. He's still...She doesn't know how to feel about him. Not sure if she feels safe with him or not.]
It's not fine. Why is my life so fucked up? All I'm doing is trying to survive, that's all I have.
And if you want to know the truth, as hard as I'm trying to trust everyone, they scare the hell out of me. All it takes is one person to crack and then we'll all just––just––we're expendable, you know? I'm not––I'm––[okay Max's face is turning red and she's clearly flustered and upset and trying not to cry but it's SO HARD when you're eighteen and you've been away from your loved ones for months on end with no promise of surviving long enough to even get an opportunity to go back.]
I'm not special. I'm just––one of the group. If I was a casualty, it wouldn't matter. If I have to die so that someone can make a point, they're going to make their point. I'm trapped in this fucked up, twisted game, under some creepy dude's thumb. I'm a doll in a dollhouse, waiting to be thrown away or replaced.
[She's shaking and it's not because of how she might be starting to sob, and it's not because she's angry or sad or uncomfortable. It's as if all of the bottled up fear inside of this girl is coming out all at once. What all of the brave faces, smiles, and reassurance has been hiding. Two months of paranoia that every next day is her last.]
[she doesn't move away, but she's also not wrapping her arms around him in kind, either. Max really wants to just let it all out and sob her heart out for hours, but she stops and thinks about Chloe. What she would do. Definitely not sit here and cry in some guy she hardly know's arms.]
I don't, but whether it's all fabrication or not, it doesn't make it any less my reality. I don't have anything, here. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act or spend my time or who to––
[sniffles...]
All I can do is march forward until the path ahead of me comes to a stop.
[now that she's calming down at least-- a little. He feels awful, and it weighs on his chest. But he pulls back from the hug, and settles for rubbing her back for a moment-- as long as she hasn't pushed him away.]
There's no one? Not a single person you trust? I get not trusting me, but what about the other people from the entrance exam? So many of them are here.
So many? There's six of us, Han. Out of almost thirty. I don't even know if the others are still alive--those of them that weren't already dead.
[That last line, remembering Mishima and Sherlock and Aiden and Vivian...She grits her teeth.]
I do trust them, for your information. But that doesn't....It doesn't change the way I feel. If anything, it makes it worse. It's not just me that's expendable. It's everyone. We're all constantly in danger, and this time I don't even have some stupid deus ex machina bullshit to fix my stupid mistakes.
I'm doing everything I can, so don't think that I'm weak just because of...this. But I'm eighteen, Han. I'm a kid. I'm in high school. I can't take it. I feel completely numb and in constant pain at the same time.
[a few deep, long breathes. She runs her hand over her face and tries to regain some semblance of composure.]
[he just... this wasn't something he could solve. he could say what she wanted to hear, but it felt like it'd be a lie the minute the lecture started. And he didn't want to make things worse.
Don't worry about it. I'm the one that should be apologizing to you.
[he exhales, and his foot taps nervously, while he tries to figure out how to phrase it or what to say. it's his tell, and unfortunately for him, it's easily noticeable.]
Sorry. I wish I knew how to send everyone home. But-- just. Bear with me while I figure it out, okay?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...You don't need to apologize for wanting to stay alive. It doesn't make you a coward either. It's more human than anything.
I'd rather not die either. Not that...there's much I can do to prevent that, hah.
[The futility is...sad.]
Everything feels really empty. I've been doing this for months. I feel like I'm going insane, I don't know how much longer I can...[Her voice gets lower and lower until it drops off and she covers her face with her hands]
Why am I telling you this?
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Hey, hey. It's fine. What happens in here stays in here, you know?
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It's not fine. Why is my life so fucked up? All I'm doing is trying to survive, that's all I have.
And if you want to know the truth, as hard as I'm trying to trust everyone, they scare the hell out of me. All it takes is one person to crack and then we'll all just––just––we're expendable, you know? I'm not––I'm––[okay Max's face is turning red and she's clearly flustered and upset and trying not to cry but it's SO HARD when you're eighteen and you've been away from your loved ones for months on end with no promise of surviving long enough to even get an opportunity to go back.]
I'm not special. I'm just––one of the group. If I was a casualty, it wouldn't matter. If I have to die so that someone can make a point, they're going to make their point. I'm trapped in this fucked up, twisted game, under some creepy dude's thumb. I'm a doll in a dollhouse, waiting to be thrown away or replaced.
[She's shaking and it's not because of how she might be starting to sob, and it's not because she's angry or sad or uncomfortable. It's as if all of the bottled up fear inside of this girl is coming out all at once. What all of the brave faces, smiles, and reassurance has been hiding. Two months of paranoia that every next day is her last.]
Why am I doing this? What are you doing Max!?
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and then, he hugs her, she seems like she needs it, even if he's. probably a big reason why she's upset.]
You're not-- look. Don't listen to this place's shit attitude, okay? This place is bullshit and you shouldn't believe a word about it.
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I don't, but whether it's all fabrication or not, it doesn't make it any less my reality. I don't have anything, here. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act or spend my time or who to––
[sniffles...]
All I can do is march forward until the path ahead of me comes to a stop.
It sucks, Han.
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There's no one? Not a single person you trust? I get not trusting me, but what about the other people from the entrance exam? So many of them are here.
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[That last line, remembering Mishima and Sherlock and Aiden and Vivian...She grits her teeth.]
I do trust them, for your information. But that doesn't....It doesn't change the way I feel. If anything, it makes it worse. It's not just me that's expendable. It's everyone. We're all constantly in danger, and this time I don't even have some stupid deus ex machina bullshit to fix my stupid mistakes.
I'm doing everything I can, so don't think that I'm weak just because of...this. But I'm eighteen, Han. I'm a kid. I'm in high school. I can't take it. I feel completely numb and in constant pain at the same time.
[a few deep, long breathes. She runs her hand over her face and tries to regain some semblance of composure.]
I should stop. I need to stop talking about this.
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It's just.]
Not all of us are against you.
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Trust me... You and I both think it's better that I just say I ran into a cabinet.
[and then he sits across from her]
But look, what you're feeling... that's pretty natural. This is a messed up situation that no one should be in.
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[shivers, biting her lip]
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
[The eye contact slowly but surely breaks.]
...Sorry.
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[he exhales, and his foot taps nervously, while he tries to figure out how to phrase it or what to say. it's his tell, and unfortunately for him, it's easily noticeable.]
Sorry. I wish I knew how to send everyone home. But-- just. Bear with me while I figure it out, okay?
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Please, don't say that.
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[he offers a weak smile.]
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Just tell me one more thing.
Do you know what happened to the others from the entrance exam? Are they alive?
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[he knows the one, and he is. going to just make sure to wear makeup from now on]
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[she stands up, wiping her eyes that totally don't have residual tears in them]
Great.
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[...okay, she feels bad about that. she leans against the door, contemplating apologizing.]
Sorry. I do think you're a good person, it's just...complicated.
[her nails lightly scratch at the door before she opens it.]
I needed someone to listen to me today, so thank you. I owe you one.
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Of course. Anytime.